The biggest thing recently in my life is that I got married in March this year. As cheesy as it sounds I really did marry my best friend. He's constantly there for me, he makes me laugh when no one else could, he encourages me and reassures me when I have my many doubts. He amazes me daily; he's so smart (but he doesn't believe it). I learn lots of (not always useful) facts from him, I know if we were on a quiz team we'd win because of him. We have lots of "in" jokes and I love that, it makes me feel like we're in some exclusive club that only we could join (I tried to explain this to someone once but they didn't have a clue what I was on about so I shut up). Sometimes I think he knows me as well as I do, if not better. He almost always knows what I'm truly feeling or thinking, even when I try my hardest not to share it. It's pretty scary to think how easy it could have been for us not to have met but I'm so glad we did back in 2009. I just love that we "get" each other.
I guess I should probably talk about my issues with my weight, seeing as it has pretty much taken over my original purpose of starting this blog, which was scrapbooking. I feel like I've always been over weight and truth be told I really have most of my life. Negative feelings about my weight are ingrained in my childhood, from school age on wards I've always felt too big.
I can roughly pin point when I started comfort eating to when I moved locations and schools when I was 9. I didn't like where we moved to and missed my old friends and home. But even before this I always thought I was fat and it's only relatively recently when I've looked back at photos of me as a child that I realised I wasn't fat at all. I was always bigger than other children my age as I was really tall for my age as a child. So I think this is partly where the whole "I'm bigger than everyone else therefore I'm too big" comes from. I'm no psychologist but it makes sense to me. I think I realised this when I was looking at photos from a family holiday. I could remember being 7 years old and thinking the day that photo was taken "I look fat in this top". It makes me feel pretty sad that this was going through my head at this age; but then it has ever since.
On a positive, I did actually lose weight before, I think I was about 15. I lost 2 and 1/2 stone through a personal trainer and pushing myself to exercise every single day and obviously watch my diet. I don't think I really ever gave myself the credit I probably deserved for accomplishing that, because it was tough, no doubt about it! I've always been very private and sensitive about my weight and I remember telling a friend the amount I'd lost and they said nothing,like they hadn't noticed any change, this disheartened me a lot. I guess it's true what they say about elephants never forgetting (it's fine, I'm calling myself the elephant so it's not mean) because a friend saw a photo from my 14th birthday and said I looked like a "Buddha". I know for a fact that there was no malice whatsoever behind this comment, she just said what she saw but it still made me feel gross. As I hated seeing myself, I have no photos from when I lost weight. I really wish I did as I think physically seeing the changes I made would really help me believe I can do it again. Needless to say I didn't keep the weight off. After a family bereavement I started comfort eating and falling into old habits of doing no exercise at all. And it's pretty much just continued. Although I've made numerous attempts to diet/lose weight they were always half hearted. I get mad at myself and disappointed that I've not made enough of the changes I needed to before now. I wish so much that I could have lost weight for my wedding day, as that's a day I'll never get back. Although it makes me sad knowing I couldn't push myself to do it even for the the most special day of my life I suppose I'm trying to take something positive from it. By seeing it as a turning point and saying that's me at my biggest and that's not how I want to look. I don't want to be that person anymore. Although I feel like I'm already struggling I want to do this now. I have the best possible motivation as we want to have children ideally in the next couple of years. I have PCOS so that doesn't exactly go in my favour so I want to feel in control of my weight so I can give us the best possible chance of having a baby. So this is why I'm now seeing a Health Care Assistant (HCA) for help and support with weight loss. I'm the kind of person who needs regular checks ins from someone else, because I give in too easy if left to my own devices. So seeing her fortnightly is working for me just now. I feel like it was a really positive step and I'm hoping so much that I stay mindful of why I'm doing this.
Wow. I did not expect this to be so long. I guess I had a lot to get off my chest. I don't really talk about my weight to the people around me in this kind of detail, so it's felt pretty good to unload. So if anyone has managed to read all my rambling then thank you. I appreciate that you took the time to do that. If you can offer any advice, tips, suggestions, then feel free. I need all the help I can get, and I hope I can give it back too. :)